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Will Dick ever return from Hawaii?

Connoisseurs worried as CEO neglects to update holiday status

2015 has not by far been a fruitful year for the broader Bearhole community, and things aren’t looking up either. With CEO Dick Weyls still on the loose, the question rises whether this rudderless ship can keep sailing its course.

by Bobby Rundfunk

More than a year has gone by since Dick Weyls took off on what seemed to be a routine annual leave. The CEO, known for his rather exuberant holidays, left his office on August 1st 2014, wearing only his bermuda and a pair of sandals. “He was dressed business smart” a fellow employee confirms.

Since that faithful day, few have heard of Dick’s coordinates.  “Apart from sending us the occasional coconut, Dick hasn’t shown any sign of life” says Gertfried Backman, head of the Fashion Department. Asked whether the coconuts were any good, Backman remains vague. “I am not in the position to elaborate on coconut quality” he indicates. Rumour has it that Backman experienced stomach problems after eating too many coconuts.

cocnut
Image: computer rendition of the presumably Hawaïan coconut sent by Dick last month

But back to the main topic. Multiple theories have yet been formulated on the CEO’s prolonged absence. Critics within the Bearhole community point out that Weyls  might have misinterpreted the meaning of ‘annual leave’, assuming his leave could take up to a year. A provocative thesis, but a reasonable one nonetheless.

Weyls might have misinterpreted
the meaning of ‘annual leave’
– Critics

Others claim that a flooding inside the Bearhole Pipenetwork might be at the root of this mystery. We ask Ronny from the Bagelcave for clarification.”I doubt it” he says. As janitor of the pipesystem, Ronny has a clear overview of all piperelated activities. “I haven’t seen Dick around here” he continues. “In fact, I haven’t seen a dick in quite a few years” he jokes. But the joke’s on him, says a coworker of pipe #243. “Ronny has put up quite some weight the past years. He can’t see his own phallus anymore”.

Although chaos is apparent, not everyone seems to be disturbed by Dick’s absence. “Dick’s not here? Hadn’t noticed!” says Grimhoofd Broodzwaard, the viking who manages Bearhole’s Music Department. “Apart from not getting my monthly paycheck, Dick’s absence has no influence whatsoever on my plundering capacities. I mean work. Work capacities”.

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“Dick’s not here? Hadn’t noticed!”
– Grimhoofd Broodzwaard

One thing is clear: Dick’s absence has caused uproar amongst Bearhole aficionados. The story is vague and intriguing. And the question remains: will Dick show up, when, and how? For now we are left with a lot of unanswered questions, and a considerable  amount of coconuts.

Your reporter,
Bobby Rundfunk
Unpaid since January,
Bearhole Press,
Sweden HQ

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